Yesterday, V and I got into a short discussion about retirement before I drove her to the airport.
She of course, is setting herself up to properly retire- like my Dad did. I on the other hand, am completely SOL in that department.- Like my Mother. I spoke with my mom about it today while we were vidchatting. We were talking about how she and I both have embraced the gamble in life. SHe said that her dad would often tell her towards the end of his life "you act like your never going to get old my girl, but just you wait." In her case, the gamble paid off- just in a far from satisfactory manner. She did what she was compelled to do, and stopped working the jobs that made her miserable. If she would have put things on hold until she retired, she would have lost the bet. It's obviously not as though that has had anything to do with my choices in life up to now, but it does illustrate a bit of how I feel about life (though I would not be surprised if irony serves me up a long, long life..). At his stage of the game I will be screwed in my old age if I lose that gamble. This is something that I am aware of on a daily basis, though for whatever reason, I still pursue life as i do (do i feel lucky?) It makes for a mighty meaty life sammowinch, all chock fullah worry bits. MMmmmm... snacky!
All I know is that this has always been the way of my life. No big plan- just a series of choices that unfold into more choices, that open to others. Perhaps I am getting to a point in my life where I need a more far reaching plan, but that is a very alien thing to me. It definitely has its appealing aspects. I know myself well enough to know that there needs to be some sort of organic way for me to get to that point, or it won;t take. Often the more abrupt ways that i make shift like that come through some very difficult paths. Things do seem to be pointed in that deerection these daze...
As long as I'm creating I feel like I'm alive and I have no need for a retirement plan. Of course there are time when I feel like I'm not pulling my weight in the area of creative manifestation and at those times I feel like death is near. The really tragic part for me is that almost all social interaction with people only increase that feeling of death...as if we are trying to politely misdirect oursselves. I guess I'm trying to say that my retirement plan is death.
gogol's werdz of wizdum, deposited here on October 24, 2004 09:00 AMI get it. I feel much the same way. When I'm creating, all is well. I suppose that is why I'm having such thoughts these days. I have not been creating much. I have a lot of energy that is aimed at creating, but I have not gotten the ball rolling very well. I am confident that I will find a way in time.
In many ways, you and I have the same retirement plan, bub!
eeno's werdz of wizdum, deposited here on October 25, 2004 02:16 AMMy dad's retired and he doesn't know what the hell to do now. Comfortable yes, but lost.
Sacto Seano's werdz of wizdum, deposited here on October 30, 2004 06:57 PM